"I want that."

E - We got married.  And I was just shy of 30, I was 29.  And I guess the whole first year, we never used protection, but we weren’t necessarily actively trying.

E - Then after a year of not getting pregnant, I went to my yearly check up.  I started to talk to them about it and we started to run multiple tests.  Over time, every single test was coming back, “Oh, you’re fine! Everything’s normal, everything’s fine.”  But yet, we weren’t getting pregnant.   

Then it was becoming so stressful.  At this point we’ve spent over $1000 out of pocket because insurance only covers so much.  And I was just done.  So then we kind of stopped.  It was just so discouraging with how expensive...just...when you first get married, the first thing people ask you is “When are you going to have kids?” 

L - That was very tough on her.  And when family would ask every holiday, “Oh, when are you guys going to have kids?”  It hit pretty hard.  She would get more sad, I would get more pissed off.  Because it’s no one's fucking business. 

And I think I got more frustrated...not with people continually asking, but certain people who were asking.  Like, we knew people who were not healthy that got pregnant, and that really bothered me.  And then we knew people who were never able to take care of themselves, but they were able to have a kid.  And they would always ask, “When are you guys going to have kids?”  Just like, shut the fuck up. 

It sounds terrible, but my selfish thought was, "You don’t even deserve to have kids.  You can’t take care of yourself.  So why should you be fortunate enough to have that?"  And I think that’s what hurt me more.
 

E - It makes it hard to be happy for people.   Which makes you feel horrible that you can’t be happy that other people are pregnant.  You know, you say, “Oh, congrats!"  But it even sounds fake.  Then the next year after the testing, we hit a very rocky spot. 

L – We were close to being done with each other. 

E – He had moved out.  Our communication was terrible. 

L – Shit would be a better word.

E – Yeah.

L –  I don’t know if it was around the same time but, I got upset. I don’t know if I ever told you, but I ended up crying to my buddy.  I'm about to cry again now.  I was upset because you’re a natural mother.  And I felt like I wasn’t…I felt like it was my fault because you deserve kids.  You’d be such a good mom.  I think that’s when it really started to take me down a dark path.  I tried to push you away so you could find someone who could do this for you.

E – Well that didn’t quite work, but it was a bad summer. A still fairly rough fall.  We went to counseling.  Figured out how to communicate with each other.  We learned that when he is having a rough time, he has to tell me that it’s not me, because I would take his bad times, his dark moods, very personally.  And feel like I did something wrong.  So we figured it out.  I think we both took things personally.

E – Now I think we’re really good. 

L – Yeah, better than year three. 

E – Yeah, but every relationship has ups and downs.  You’re going to have good days, you’re going to have bad days.  It’s kind of like, just not taking things personally.  I mean there’s been times we go to bed a little pissed off at each other.  But usually by morning it’s okay.

L – Or I’m still grumpy... 

E – And I just don’t care if you’re grumpy anymore.  I think kind of figuring out that that’s okay. That we’re each going to have blah moments but I guess feeling more secure that we love each other and we’ll be there no matter what helps a lot. I do feel a little anxiety about trying to get pregnant again.  And when I say a little I mean a lot.

L – I worry about if something happens if we do get pregnant and then if something...hopefully nothing bad happens.  I just don’t know if she’d be able to recover. 

E – Yeah...it’s like I want to be hopeful and excited about going and talking to the fertility hospital at some point this year. There’s definitely a large part of me that is scared.  How many times are we going to have to try?  Can I handle that emotional up and down?  Am I going to be pregnant this time?  Yeah, it’s a huge worry.  But I think it’s worth it. 

I think we’ve definitely decided that one drunk night watching Coco. 

L – We were drunk and crying by the end of it. 

E – Well, it was a lot about family.  And I think it just helped us get to the point that we...because we’ve been saying, "It’s okay.  It’s okay that we don’t have a kid-" 

L -  - trying to convince ourselves.

E -  Yeah.  And I think it finally helped ourselves be real about how we truly felt.  Because I don’t think either one of us wanted to push that topic because of how emotional it has been and how scary.  I mean it’s scary if it works, if it doesn’t work, I’m only getting older, you know I’ve hit that “mid thirties” point this year so there’s that to contend with too. But, you know, our neighbors have a son that’s about to be four.  And watching Luke and him play and run around, and him being excited to see us, I want that.